Working with my tools

As I was formatting this week's topic for discussion, I thought that it would be really cool if I could say that I was working a total program of recovery and that I was doing every single one on these nine tools. I, however, cannot say that. I went through the list and notated was I was and was not doing. I also indicated what would need to be changed about what I was or was not doing, if anything.

This week's meeting is Moderator's choice and will focus on the Tools of ACA Recovery taken from the ACA conference approved pamphlet ACA Is...:

   1. We go to meetings, and call program people to discuss recovery issues. Other than the Yahoo groups, I have not going to meetings because the ones I was going too proved too triggering for me and my blood pressure. To remedy this, I am in the process of starting a brand new meeting in my city, since there are none.
   2. We read ACA literature and learn about the experiences of others while gaining clarity on our own experiences. I do read ACA literature and the BRB, but not enough. I need to spend a specific amount of time each day in that book, even when hard things come up.
   3. We define & enforce our boundaries. I started defining my boundaries by not answering the phone when I was not prepared to talk for a while; limit email contact; and not engaging in the drama of others. I'd rather be thought as mean and off-putting, then to continue to risk my health on dysfunction which has nothing to do with me. This I will continue.
   4. We work & use the 12 Steps & 12 Traditions. I'm doing this and need to continue.
   5. We identify the people, places and things that are healthy and useful to our lives today, and discard those that are not. This is the one I've been working on the longest. As a loner, I want people to like me and want to be with me. In the past, I would have accepted people no matter how they presented themselves nor their motives in wanting to be with me. Today, I can walk away from the dysfunction of those who wish to stay in their sickness especially after I give them the advice they request in order to help them.
   6. We reconnect with our Inner Child or True Self. I'm working on this by learning to take care of myself by being a good parent. Still a work in progress.
   7. We work with a sponsor & build support networks. I had a fellow-traveler sponsor but she got a new job and became too busy so I think I'm alone again. I'll continue my search for someone else.
   8. We attend meetings that focus on issues upon which we need to work. Working on it for ACA but I do attend Al-anon & CoDA meetings also.
   9. We give service in ACA. I give service by working with the WSO. My goal is to do more outreach withing H&I with the message of ACA.

Seven of my 14 traits of being an ACA

There are 14-traits of ACA's and sadly I identified with every single one of them and depending on the kind of day I'm having, I can fall back into some that I thought I had a handle on. When I first read them I was blown away by how many of theme resonated with me. I kept saying "that's me!" I restated Tony A.'s steps (The Laundry List: The ACoA Experience by Tony A. with Dan F.) to personalize them. Here are seven of the traits and how I can identify with them:

I became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures. I always thought of myself as someone who was comfortable with authority figures. After working at II for 11 years, I didn't see myself as someone who was afraid to approach anyone in authority over me. I had come a long way from the timid little girl who couldn't even speak to her Father because she didn't see him often enough to not be afraid of him. However, I still find myself somewhat apprehensive about being called out if I make a mistake. I'm okay if I find the mistake, but not if someone else does. Even if someone contacts me via email, I'll think I did something wrong before I even had a chance to read what it said. Where did that come from? I'm not sure. I think my being a perfectionist has blinded me toward the fact that others may not see me the same way, even when I make mistakes. Or perhaps my fear is associated with other traits I identify with.

I became an approval seeker and lost my identity in the process. Yes, indeed, this is a big one for me. I want everyone to like me, despite my thinking that I shouldn't care what others think of me, when I encounter disapproval, it still hurts me. In fact, it does more than hurt me, it rips me to shreds. Although it does, I'm at the age where I'm beginning to like (tolerate) who I am and don't want to lose my identity such as it is. I'm in the process of creating a new and better identity now.


I am frightened by angry people and any personal criticism. People who are angry with me and choose to show it by personally criticizing me, trigger me badly. People like this can send me on a tailspin straight down to "not-good-enough land" faster than anything else. If been getting criticized a lot lately because of my efforts to do 12th step work and it has not been pretty for me. I could not understand “why” I was being treated this way when all I wanted to do was help.


I either become an alcoholic, marry them, or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill my sick abandonment needs. I found a drug addict who loved his friends more than me. He preferred to be with them than with me. For a while I thought it was only his friends but with his friends came the drugs. I compromised for his love yet still lost it. I know better now.


I live life from the viewpoint of a victim and am attracted by that weakness in my love and friendship relationships. See the previous trait for insight on this one. I felt sorry for my ex-husband. It was years later that I realized that I had manipulated him into a life I thought we both would be happy with. The only problem was that in doing so, I made us both miserable.


I have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for me to be concerned with others rather than myself. This enables me not to look too closely at my own faults. Ah, co-dependency at its worse. Even now I sometimes find myself thinking on how to change M, when he's almost an adult. He needs to decide for himself what he's going to do with his life. I can prod him, guide him, and remind him that time is ticking but I cannot tell him what to do.


I get guilt feelings when I stand up for myself instead of giving in to others. Yes, I still get these guilt feelings, but the more I do it, the less guilty I feel. The only issue I'm facing is the rejection I'm experiencing because of standing up for myself. What I am coming to realize is the rejection I'm experiencing is not because of standing up for myself so much as it is what is being triggered in the other person, which I am not responsible for.

Congratulate me, I'm an ACA

I'm an ACA. This may be news to some but I found this out on September 11, 2009 when my dear friend, D, gave me a copy of The ACA Big Red Book. I'm knew that I was an adult child who was raised by alcoholic parents, I just didn't know that there was a name for it nor that there was a recovery program I needed to be in. I did not know about the Laundry List traits The Laundry List: The Acoa (Adult Children of Alcoholics Experience) but when I read them, I knew I needed help to overcome them.

There are 14-traits of ACA's and sadly I identified with every single one of them and depending on the kind of day I'm having, I can fall back into some that I thought I had a handle on. When I first read them I was blown away by how many of theme resonated with me. I kept saying "that's me!" I restated Tony A.'s list to personalize them.

In my next post, I will begin discussion of them and how I'm managing them right now.