Monday, April 25, 2011
Onto Step Three
I just finished my Al-Anon 2nd Step. It didn't take me long to finish this one once I finished Step one. It may seem like I rushing through them but I am getting something out of answering the questions. Coming to believe was easy for me since I already had a Higher Power (God) before I started in recovery. The questions on my sanity or lack thereof, took a little more thinking on my part. I remember being young and thinking I was "crazy." Partly because of the chaos that was going and partly because of the way people responded or perceived me. Even now, I have trouble with "reality" and what's really going on. Next up, Step three, where I decide to turn everything over to God.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
My foray into work
I got a job! I quit my job! It was a temp assignment at a company I previously worked for. I had even applied directly there in my desperation for a job. I was very, very, anxious going there on Tuesday night and as I sat down for training, I knew I had made a terrible mistake. I felt the exact same way the night of my wedding (but that's better left for another post.)
I walked into their second job site and felt the vibes of dis-ease in that place. Nothing had changed in the three years I've been away. I was having serious panic attacks and sleeplessness over being there. I'm glad I decided not to stay, though. At this stage of my life, I probably would have had a stroke in the middle of the work day.
I walked into their second job site and felt the vibes of dis-ease in that place. Nothing had changed in the three years I've been away. I was having serious panic attacks and sleeplessness over being there. I'm glad I decided not to stay, though. At this stage of my life, I probably would have had a stroke in the middle of the work day.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
The last seven of my 14 traits of being an ACA
8. We become addicted to excitement. I'm not too sure I'm addicted to excitement as that when excitement does happen, I get so overwhelmed by it, that I get caught up in what's happening and cannot control what's going on and that leads to a lot of anxiety.
9. We confuse love with pity and tend to "love" people who we can `pity" and "rescue". I can say I was like this but that would be a bit of a fib. I can still confuse love and pity but now I recognize when I'm headed in that direction and refrain from becoming codependent.
10. We have stuffed our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (denial). I had no feelings. At least I didn't think I had any feelings. I remember, about 25 years ago, someone saying that I had no personality. I know now that my expression-less living was what she meant (I forgive her ignorance.) Now, I try to hone in on what I'm feeling at every moment. I also realize that I can have different feelings at different times and that's okay.
11. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem. Yes, yes, yes! Even now, I can judge myself especially during my time of unemployment. What I'm learning is that God has the finally say and perhaps my current status is His will for me at this time.
12. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us. I'm not like this anymore. After being single for such a long time, I've come to realize that I can be this way and not fall apart. When I am in another relationship, I no longer have to fear being abandoned because I know I can be on my own and survive.
13. Alcoholism is a family disease and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of the disease even though we did not pick up the drink. I believe this is so for me. The further I go in my recovery, the more I recognize these dysfunctional behaviors within myself. This enables me to come out of denial and face my faults and work to correct them.
14. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors. I can react to situations but am learning to pause to prepare myself, my thoughts, and my mouth so the situation does not get out of hand before I know what happened.
The Laundry List – 14 Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic
9. We confuse love with pity and tend to "love" people who we can `pity" and "rescue". I can say I was like this but that would be a bit of a fib. I can still confuse love and pity but now I recognize when I'm headed in that direction and refrain from becoming codependent.
10. We have stuffed our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (denial). I had no feelings. At least I didn't think I had any feelings. I remember, about 25 years ago, someone saying that I had no personality. I know now that my expression-less living was what she meant (I forgive her ignorance.) Now, I try to hone in on what I'm feeling at every moment. I also realize that I can have different feelings at different times and that's okay.
11. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem. Yes, yes, yes! Even now, I can judge myself especially during my time of unemployment. What I'm learning is that God has the finally say and perhaps my current status is His will for me at this time.
12. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us. I'm not like this anymore. After being single for such a long time, I've come to realize that I can be this way and not fall apart. When I am in another relationship, I no longer have to fear being abandoned because I know I can be on my own and survive.
13. Alcoholism is a family disease and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of the disease even though we did not pick up the drink. I believe this is so for me. The further I go in my recovery, the more I recognize these dysfunctional behaviors within myself. This enables me to come out of denial and face my faults and work to correct them.
14. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors. I can react to situations but am learning to pause to prepare myself, my thoughts, and my mouth so the situation does not get out of hand before I know what happened.
The Laundry List – 14 Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic
Birth-day
Today's my birthday. It's also the anniversary of me losing my Mom. Since she was 1/2 of my qualifier team but was sober 10 years before she died. It's been 11 years and it doesn't bother me nearly as much as it used to (I'm not crying non-stop anymore), I still feel a twinge of sadness and regret that I didn't have more time with her, especially during my season of recovery.
I can recover from the effects of alcoholism along with the regret I feel every now and then over having to do it without my parents.
I had plans for today and they did not include me sitting in my house, alone. Perhaps old habits die hard. I have a choice of places to be, but those old feelings of rejection come up on today. I don't want to "should" on myself but maybe I should have gone to at least one of those events if for no other reason, then to be with other people. Maybe it's the attention I'm afraid of, I don't know.
I can recover from the effects of alcoholism along with the regret I feel every now and then over having to do it without my parents.
I had plans for today and they did not include me sitting in my house, alone. Perhaps old habits die hard. I have a choice of places to be, but those old feelings of rejection come up on today. I don't want to "should" on myself but maybe I should have gone to at least one of those events if for no other reason, then to be with other people. Maybe it's the attention I'm afraid of, I don't know.
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